when you are too young for the half of the things you want to do and too old for the other half is called teenage.
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Situation 1:
Pia is 17 years old. She is in high school and extremely brilliant in her academics. She has made few friends and they call themselves a Gang. They are 5 of them and they spend all their break time together. After a month from the beginning of high school, Pia is finding it hard to fit in the group. The initial excitement is gone and now she hates the break time because it dreads her to sit with them. She doesn’t want to be part of anything they do. She wants to explore some new friends but she is scared that, the So-called Gang will spill out the secrets she shared with them and may humiliate her as she couldn’t do the cool things they try to do. This thought worries her even after going home and she is not like herself at home too. Her mother keeps annoying her with questions asking what is wrong with her. She thinks she has two options either to fake it in front of the group as a completely different personality from her real self or She has to dare to quit the group or school.
Situation 2:
Arjun is a 19-year-old. He is in college and he has a motorbike, he smokes cigarettes, actually, he is a chain smoker and he goes crazy if he doesn’t smoke 2 packs of cigarettes per day. His father earns enough to make the ends meet and has a grocery store just at the end of the lane from their house. It’s just been 15 days since his father gave him pocket money and it’s all over. Arjun is worried about how to get through 15 days to get the pocket money. He is planning to steal money from his father’s wallet at night. His self-consciousness is killing him and he keeps thinking about how to quit smoking or at least restrict himself to smoking one pack a day but he cannot do it. He has created an image of himself in front of his friends that he doesn’t care about money and he can spend as much he wants, that is the reason he needs more money as everyone has planned to try this new PUB on the weekend and its entry fee is exorbitant. He hates himself for being in this situation.
Situation 3:
Karthik is a 16-year-old. He has just completed school and his results are out. He didn’t live up to his parent’s expectations and they are disappointed with his results. His father is still suggesting the same course which he had planned earlier. Karthik doesn’t want to do that. Karthik’s girlfriend Ria has done exponentially good in exams and her parents are proud of her. Karthik is feeling very disappointed and despite Ria’s encouraging words, he is feeling heartbroken. He wants to break up with Ria but he cannot find an appropriate reason and he doesn’t want to spoil her happy moment. He is playing video games till late at night so that he can avoid breakfast with his father. His mother keeps telling him to study harder in high school. He wants to become a music teacher but he has no idea how and what to do. And with his terrible grades, he cannot dare to keep his opinions in front of his father, as his father thinks Arts and Music don’t bring status and income into the family.
If you see the above situations, they think their problems are deep and from my psychological point of view I can see so many emotions going inside their brains and I can assure you each emotion is just telling them that they just want to grow up as soon as possible because they think when you become an independent adult these problems won’t arise.
There are many things as a teen they should know, because the biggest boon for our generation is the biggest threat INTERNET.
As soon as the teens have a Device in their hands which as parents we think is a necessity actually which is, but as parent we start loosing control on our kids, as kids don’t rely on us for information, so they have a device and that gives them a solution to their questions but not one solution but hundreds of solution and sometimes the child has the maturity to create a block for himself to which one he should try and sometimes the child does get confused.
But as parents we should not spy on kids phone through software but we must start the exercises of making choices. Thats what my previous article was about How pre-teens are important and what should we build in pre-teens.
When your kids are in their teens sometimes talking to them is really difficult. Many times they avoid facing their parents as they just want to hide their emotions.
According to teens their problems are scary and they dread to face them. Teenage is that phase where they think they are expected not to create problems for their parents or if they are in a mess, then at least that problems must not reach their parent’s ears.
They put mental pressure on themselves that come what may I am going to deal with my problem without discussing it with anyone, which is one way is a good way of depicting them as adults but the real problem is, are they doing it responsibly.
Do these teens know, that some consequences might hurt others or some problems might need adult interventions?
Do these teens know that it’s ok to ask for help?
Do these teens know When and For what to say No?
Do these teens know How to protect themselves?
Do these teens know how to not get abused and not to abuse others?
There are many things we protect our kids from, and in one blink they are teenagers. There is never a right time to teach things. They must learn every day and all their answers must be answered according to their age.
That’s the reason I mentioned in my earlier blog, reduce saying No in pre-teenage and if you have to say no then do justify your No. If you haven’t read my previous blog here’s the link http://therealinfluencer.in/2020/09/11/how-pre-teenage-years-of-your-child-could-make-anyone-a-better-parent/
It’s important that we make our children responsible for their actions in their childhood so that when they reach teenage they will carry that responsibility that their actions are important.
It’s important for children to know that their actions will cause the consequences and they must know that they should be ok with that, How they have to carry the consequences they have caused.
For instance, Anna yelled at her 7-year-old child for some mischief he did, but she realised that she did not make him realise his mistake because the other days his son was yelling at his sister the same way she was yelling at him. The next time Anna made sure to tell his son sorry for yelling at him and told him that she was too tired from all the work, that’s the reason mother got angry with him. Her son understood that fact and told her that he is ready to help her with any work she need to do.
When you acknowledge your mistakes and say sorry to your kids then they no need to hide or lie to you. They don’t need to find the courage to speak up or own their mistakes. But as they age some mistakes do need punishments with acknowledgements that their actions have hurt someone.
Teenage never starts at one point or you can never say that my kid has to reach their 13th birthday. Train them daily with the smallest incidents they share with you because each incident matters and has definitely to learn something from that. Like spilling the hot milk on the table, tell your kids that it could have messed up everyone clothes or even they could have got hurt. These small things help them to get less anxious when they do mistakes in front of their peers. For instance, if as parents if you spilt the hot coffee on the table, just say sorry to everyone and own your mistake.
Kids are observing a day in and out, they make the rules according to how we care and behave in society, if you don’t pick up the dropped spoon in a restaurant, your child will never learn to pick up the dropped spoon, even when he drops it at home.
If you think you can teach all the behaviour when your kid is actually in teenage then you are wrong. Teenage brings a lot of physical, mental and hormonal changes and their brain and heart are expanding at a massive rate, its too much for them to understand your point of view, their friend’s point of view and the point of view of their idols.
They cannot learn to make choices in teenage, they directly make choices and then worry about the consequences. So it’s on parents to make them familiar with the consequences through various examples every day before they reach teenage.
Don’t underestimate the things your child shares with you when they are young because there is definitely something to learn each day.
My next blog will be about emotional exercises you can do with your child when they are young. How to make young minds think about vulnerable situations and how to divert your child’s mind to think about others’ perspectives too?
Parenting is not hard if you do it every day, just do not postpone the things you want to do with your kids when they are young because they are young for very little time and that time is really important to fill in the important emotions which they will need it when they are adults.
Bringing up responsible adults is after all the ultimate goal of all the parents in the world.
Happy parenting! See you all in my next post!
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